Catholic Marriage: Fighting Well
by Noelle Garcia and David McHugh
I burst into tears. I could not believe I had just done what I had just done. Neither could David. He was looking at me in shock. I had done the unthinkable.
In a fit of blinding rage, I had thrown a Ninja Turtle at David.
I was about 62 weeks pregnant, sitting on the floor of my daughter’s room, bawling my eyes out because the house was a mess, and what will the baby think when it has to be born and come home to a messy house, and David did something outrageous, I am POSITIVE (but can’t remember) which elicited this over-the-top (but probably justified) outburst of Turtle Power.
I threw that Ninja Turtle at the man that just a few years earlier I had promised to love and cherish and probably not throw Ninja Turtles at.
This is an example of not fighting well. Luckily, David forgave my outburst, and we brought our newborn child into a fairly clean and organized house.
As Catholics, I think that sometimes we want to protect and defend the Sacrament of Marriage so well, that we have the tendency to sugarcoat marriage and talk about the positives and the love and the grace and the sacrifice and say, “He’s such a good dad” and “She’s a great mom” blah blah blah. We end up making the idea of marriage something so glorified and all about love that we actually can cause people to be afraid to ever talk about the cross—the ugly, splintered, heavy, bloody cross. We fear that being open about our marriage struggles, or dare I say, problems may discredit marriage as the beautiful Sacrament that it is. We may discourage people from wanting to get married. We may discourage people from seeing it as so much more than a piece of paper.
I think there can be some truth in this fear. If we don’t uphold the Sacrament faithfully, and if we don’t ever tap into the graces offered to strengthen our marriage like the Eucharist and Reconciliation and Reconciliation, and the Eucharist, we can let people down and give them a jaded view of marriage. Yet, I fear that many of us are silently struggling with a burden we do not need to carry alone out of a false piety or fear that others may judge us. YES, we said our vows to one another, but we also said those vows in front of a community of friends and family who are called to help us live out our vocation.
Jesus showed us His love not with flowers or chocolates, but through an ugly, painful death on the cross. That is the kind of love a husband and wife are called to have for one another. That we literally live out sacrifice every day, and sometimes that hurts, and sometimes we would rather put our spouse on the cross than lay down our own wants and needs. Getting up early with the kids, working a little extra to save money for the family, doing the dishes, relaxing the budget for a date, etc., are all ways that we can die to ourselves and put our spouse first.
We have learned and are still learning after nine years of marriage that there are a few things that we can do to “fight well” in our marriage:
1.Pray
Sometimes I will literally pray, “Help me Jesus” when my quick tongue seeks to get the best of me. David will pray a Rosary over and over until we have reconciled. Prayer has power—it isn’t just magic words or something we do to make us feel better. The instant we pray for assistance, God is there. God is forever and always interested in reconciliation. Since Adam and Eve allllll the way up to the “Ninja Turtle debacle,” God desires unity, not division. He knows divorce will happen, but it is never something He wills for His children—that we should be separated from Him or from each other. So when David and I fight, and we storm off and go right to prayer, I take comfort in the fact that even though things seem very dire at the moment, God is working on reconciling the two of us. He is weeding out the selfishness and pride in our own hearts and empowering us to forgive each other.
2. Interrupt the Eros of Death
I just learned this phrase “Eros of death” from Fr. Robert Spitzer’s book “A Light Shines on Through the Darkness.” He says sometimes we get pleasure from negative thinking. It becomes a strange fuel for us. You know you’ve experienced this if you have ever rehashed an argument in your head playing out all the different scenarios in which you have been hurt and in which you would like to have gained the upper hand. Fr. Spitzer says that it is crucial that we interrupt this Eros of Death with something positive. We can say a prayer of thanksgiving to God for our spouse or for being with us in our fight, or just simply say, “I praise You Lord right now.” I am a rehasher-never-forgetter-excellent-with-quips kind of person. David is a VIP member of the pity party enthusiasts club. Interrupting this Eros of death for both of us can help us to stop rehashing our argument and the negative way we feel towards our spouse or our desire to insulate and isolate ourselves from one another and help us to turn back towards the process of reconciling.
3. Talk to Someone
I call David’s mom when we are having a fight. People think that is weird, but I do this for one reason: she loves him. I know that when I call his mom, she will not always take my side but will be a good sounding board and help me to figure out the best way to approach him about something that is bothering me. David talks to his spiritual director and his mom, too! We also have a couple of friends who we mutually started simply texting, “Please pray for us right now, we are having a big fight.” There are no other details really, just simply, “We need prayers, stat!” Try to choose someone who loves your spouse almost as much as you do. We all have our venting times with friends or family members, but when it comes to a big fight or falling out, be selective about who you choose to minister to you in that moment — do they want you to reconcile as soon as possible? If so, they are a good friend/intercessor!
Marriage is hard. We are supposed to get each other and all the little people we helped create (I like to call them “disciples”) to Heaven. We can’t get to Heaven except by way of the cross, but Jesus took that cross upon Himself. Give Him those burdens and crosses because He is the Way the Truth and the Life. I cannot love or forgive my spouse on my own. I need to be close to Jesus to do that and to have a strong marriage. Pray for your spouse.
Remember after the cross, there’s the Resurrection!! I think someone said this is also called “retirement.”
Lord, help my spouse love you so he/she can love me. Help me love my spouse. Help me forgive my spouse. Help me be the best wife/husband that I can be. Amen.
In a fit of blinding rage, I had thrown a Ninja Turtle at David.
I was about 62 weeks pregnant, sitting on the floor of my daughter’s room, bawling my eyes out because the house was a mess, and what will the baby think when it has to be born and come home to a messy house, and David did something outrageous, I am POSITIVE (but can’t remember) which elicited this over-the-top (but probably justified) outburst of Turtle Power.
I threw that Ninja Turtle at the man that just a few years earlier I had promised to love and cherish and probably not throw Ninja Turtles at.
This is an example of not fighting well. Luckily, David forgave my outburst, and we brought our newborn child into a fairly clean and organized house.
As Catholics, I think that sometimes we want to protect and defend the Sacrament of Marriage so well, that we have the tendency to sugarcoat marriage and talk about the positives and the love and the grace and the sacrifice and say, “He’s such a good dad” and “She’s a great mom” blah blah blah. We end up making the idea of marriage something so glorified and all about love that we actually can cause people to be afraid to ever talk about the cross—the ugly, splintered, heavy, bloody cross. We fear that being open about our marriage struggles, or dare I say, problems may discredit marriage as the beautiful Sacrament that it is. We may discourage people from wanting to get married. We may discourage people from seeing it as so much more than a piece of paper.
I think there can be some truth in this fear. If we don’t uphold the Sacrament faithfully, and if we don’t ever tap into the graces offered to strengthen our marriage like the Eucharist and Reconciliation and Reconciliation, and the Eucharist, we can let people down and give them a jaded view of marriage. Yet, I fear that many of us are silently struggling with a burden we do not need to carry alone out of a false piety or fear that others may judge us. YES, we said our vows to one another, but we also said those vows in front of a community of friends and family who are called to help us live out our vocation.
Jesus showed us His love not with flowers or chocolates, but through an ugly, painful death on the cross. That is the kind of love a husband and wife are called to have for one another. That we literally live out sacrifice every day, and sometimes that hurts, and sometimes we would rather put our spouse on the cross than lay down our own wants and needs. Getting up early with the kids, working a little extra to save money for the family, doing the dishes, relaxing the budget for a date, etc., are all ways that we can die to ourselves and put our spouse first.
We have learned and are still learning after nine years of marriage that there are a few things that we can do to “fight well” in our marriage:
1.Pray
Sometimes I will literally pray, “Help me Jesus” when my quick tongue seeks to get the best of me. David will pray a Rosary over and over until we have reconciled. Prayer has power—it isn’t just magic words or something we do to make us feel better. The instant we pray for assistance, God is there. God is forever and always interested in reconciliation. Since Adam and Eve allllll the way up to the “Ninja Turtle debacle,” God desires unity, not division. He knows divorce will happen, but it is never something He wills for His children—that we should be separated from Him or from each other. So when David and I fight, and we storm off and go right to prayer, I take comfort in the fact that even though things seem very dire at the moment, God is working on reconciling the two of us. He is weeding out the selfishness and pride in our own hearts and empowering us to forgive each other.
2. Interrupt the Eros of Death
I just learned this phrase “Eros of death” from Fr. Robert Spitzer’s book “A Light Shines on Through the Darkness.” He says sometimes we get pleasure from negative thinking. It becomes a strange fuel for us. You know you’ve experienced this if you have ever rehashed an argument in your head playing out all the different scenarios in which you have been hurt and in which you would like to have gained the upper hand. Fr. Spitzer says that it is crucial that we interrupt this Eros of Death with something positive. We can say a prayer of thanksgiving to God for our spouse or for being with us in our fight, or just simply say, “I praise You Lord right now.” I am a rehasher-never-forgetter-excellent-with-quips kind of person. David is a VIP member of the pity party enthusiasts club. Interrupting this Eros of death for both of us can help us to stop rehashing our argument and the negative way we feel towards our spouse or our desire to insulate and isolate ourselves from one another and help us to turn back towards the process of reconciling.
3. Talk to Someone
I call David’s mom when we are having a fight. People think that is weird, but I do this for one reason: she loves him. I know that when I call his mom, she will not always take my side but will be a good sounding board and help me to figure out the best way to approach him about something that is bothering me. David talks to his spiritual director and his mom, too! We also have a couple of friends who we mutually started simply texting, “Please pray for us right now, we are having a big fight.” There are no other details really, just simply, “We need prayers, stat!” Try to choose someone who loves your spouse almost as much as you do. We all have our venting times with friends or family members, but when it comes to a big fight or falling out, be selective about who you choose to minister to you in that moment — do they want you to reconcile as soon as possible? If so, they are a good friend/intercessor!
Marriage is hard. We are supposed to get each other and all the little people we helped create (I like to call them “disciples”) to Heaven. We can’t get to Heaven except by way of the cross, but Jesus took that cross upon Himself. Give Him those burdens and crosses because He is the Way the Truth and the Life. I cannot love or forgive my spouse on my own. I need to be close to Jesus to do that and to have a strong marriage. Pray for your spouse.
Remember after the cross, there’s the Resurrection!! I think someone said this is also called “retirement.”
Lord, help my spouse love you so he/she can love me. Help me love my spouse. Help me forgive my spouse. Help me be the best wife/husband that I can be. Amen.
About Noelle and David
Noelle Garcia is a Catholic speaker and recording artist with World Library Publications and One Voice Media. Noelle has spoken at Steubenville Youth Conferences, NCYC and many other events around the country. She just recently completed her Masters of Theological Studies at Newman University. Noelle currently homeschools her five children and stays active in ministry at her home parish in Dodge City, Kansas with her husband, David McHugh. David McHugh is the full-time Coordinator of Youth Ministry at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Dodge City, Kansas. David is also a musician and inventor, having patented “Percoustix”— pickguards that allows him to play drums and guitar at the same time. He enjoys graphic design, move making, and helping raise five children with wife, Noelle Garcia.
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