Never too late to begin again
by Kim Danduran
Hi. My name is Kim and I’m a stepmom.
For eighteen years, I didn’t think that ever needed to be said out loud; but now, I see
things so differently. I am a stepmom to a twenty-six- year-old young man who came into
my life when he was eight. Being that he had no relationship with his biological mother
and hadn’t seen her since he was two years old, I thought that I would fall so easily into
the role of “mom” and would never have to even mention the fact that I was his stepmom.
So, from day one, I acted like “mom.”
I loved like a real mom, I disciplined like a real mom, and I inserted myself into his life
as a real mom. For eighteen years, that’s exactly what I did. And like any mother/son
relationship, we had our ups and we had our downs, but I could always sense that there
was something there that just wasn’t right. When he was a teenager, I chalked it up to the
“teenage attitude.” When he was in college, I blamed it on the fact that he was free and
independent and just didn’t want to be bothered by his mom anymore. But now, as he is
twenty-six years old, engaged, and planning a wedding in December, it was time to have
a talk. There was something unspoken going on and it needed to be resolved.
What I learned was that in all of those years, I never asked him what he wanted from me
or what he needed from me. I just jumped into motherhood, and I did it the way that I
thought it should be done. I was so focused on being a “mom” to him that I never once
asked what that meant to him. I was not his biological mother, and by trying to be that so
very desperately, I made a lot of mistakes. I thought introducing him as my stepson or
telling people that I was his stepmom would hurt him in someway, and yet the exact
opposite was true. He needed me to be his stepmom, and I missed that for eighteen years.
So, what does that mean exactly? He said he wanted to be loved unconditionally with no
questions asked. He said that he wanted me to be proud of him and to trust him to make
good decisions. He said that he wanted less advice and guidance and more support. He
said that he wanted me to be a part of his life, but not so directly “in” his life. I’m going
to be honest; I’m not really good at loving that way. I am an “ all up in your business”
kind of mom, and when I love, I love hard, and sometimes with that comes “tough love.”
But I need to remember that I am the stepmom, and that is what he needs from me. So,
now, I get an opportunity to start over. We have a chance to begin again. I now know
what he needs from me, and I also know that when I am confused about what that means,
I need to take the time and ask him. I am no longer going to try and fill the shoes of
“mom,” but I am going to hold my head up high and be the best stepmom that I can be.
My favorite scripture verse is John 3:30 where John the Baptist says, “He must increase,
but I must decrease.” I have applied this to so many areas of my life, but never in the role
as stepmom. Now, moving forward with my stepson, I will do my best to live this daily.
My name is Kim and I’m a stepmom.
For eighteen years, I didn’t think that ever needed to be said out loud; but now, I see
things so differently. I am a stepmom to a twenty-six- year-old young man who came into
my life when he was eight. Being that he had no relationship with his biological mother
and hadn’t seen her since he was two years old, I thought that I would fall so easily into
the role of “mom” and would never have to even mention the fact that I was his stepmom.
So, from day one, I acted like “mom.”
I loved like a real mom, I disciplined like a real mom, and I inserted myself into his life
as a real mom. For eighteen years, that’s exactly what I did. And like any mother/son
relationship, we had our ups and we had our downs, but I could always sense that there
was something there that just wasn’t right. When he was a teenager, I chalked it up to the
“teenage attitude.” When he was in college, I blamed it on the fact that he was free and
independent and just didn’t want to be bothered by his mom anymore. But now, as he is
twenty-six years old, engaged, and planning a wedding in December, it was time to have
a talk. There was something unspoken going on and it needed to be resolved.
What I learned was that in all of those years, I never asked him what he wanted from me
or what he needed from me. I just jumped into motherhood, and I did it the way that I
thought it should be done. I was so focused on being a “mom” to him that I never once
asked what that meant to him. I was not his biological mother, and by trying to be that so
very desperately, I made a lot of mistakes. I thought introducing him as my stepson or
telling people that I was his stepmom would hurt him in someway, and yet the exact
opposite was true. He needed me to be his stepmom, and I missed that for eighteen years.
So, what does that mean exactly? He said he wanted to be loved unconditionally with no
questions asked. He said that he wanted me to be proud of him and to trust him to make
good decisions. He said that he wanted less advice and guidance and more support. He
said that he wanted me to be a part of his life, but not so directly “in” his life. I’m going
to be honest; I’m not really good at loving that way. I am an “ all up in your business”
kind of mom, and when I love, I love hard, and sometimes with that comes “tough love.”
But I need to remember that I am the stepmom, and that is what he needs from me. So,
now, I get an opportunity to start over. We have a chance to begin again. I now know
what he needs from me, and I also know that when I am confused about what that means,
I need to take the time and ask him. I am no longer going to try and fill the shoes of
“mom,” but I am going to hold my head up high and be the best stepmom that I can be.
My favorite scripture verse is John 3:30 where John the Baptist says, “He must increase,
but I must decrease.” I have applied this to so many areas of my life, but never in the role
as stepmom. Now, moving forward with my stepson, I will do my best to live this daily.
My name is Kim and I’m a stepmom.
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About Kim:
Kim Dandurand is the wife of Doug for 16 years, the step-mother of Davis, who is 26 and the mom of Zack, who is 15. She teaches freshman Theology at Cardinal Gibbons High School in Raleigh, NC and has almost 20 years of teaching experience. She also spent many years in youth ministry as a volunteer for the LifeTeen program and spent three years as The Edge director. She currently resides in Cary, NC, but Pittsburgh is her home and she is a Pittsburgh girl through and through! She loves God, her family and her Steelers! |
